In the same of grief...

In the spring of 2009, on a day when I was particularly overcome with grief and sadness, I took two little twin boy figurines, and out of morbid curiosity, I posed them together, and took their picture.  I was wondering at that time, what it would be like to pose my twin sons together for photos, since I hadn't done so since they were just a few days old, and the opportunity would never arise again.  And though it felt somewhat strange to be taking portaits of these little statues, the resulting photos were both sad, and sweet and symbolic, and I've become quite attached to the images.  They're comforting.

How it is:


How I wish it was:


What are some things you've done, in the name of grief, that seemed strange or morbid, but actually brought you some peace and comfort?

Katie

Still at it!

It's been a while since I had a chance to update here, but we're still hard at work gearing up to start this new venture! We have a good friend working on a logo for our bags/packages, and we're still reaching out to friends and family, and asking them to spread the word about our needs, so we can get the ball rolling and start making and distributing packages in the near future!

If you're reading this, please spread the word, post a link to our blog on your blog or facebook page and help us spread the word!

Thanks

Katie

Where the heart is...

The Bible says (Luke 12:34), where your treasure is, there your heart will be also, and it's true. We pour our heart and soul into the people and things and causes we hold dear, the things we treasure. You can tell a lot about a person, and what they value, by their actions and efforts. When we care about something, with devotion and we're truly invested, it shows.

I'm invested in helping grieving parents.

I care about helping them honor their child, or children, and helping them come to terms with their loss.

I'm dedicated to supporting them in anyway I can.

I'm devoted to Everett, to his life as well as his memory, his legacy.

He is my treasure, and my heart is tied to him.

I hope my efforts to upstart this new venture truly illustrate the above, and I hope you will help me make this a reality. We're still in the baby stage, the planning and figuring it out stage, but hopefully not for long.

Please help me spread the word, tell your friends and family about our mission.

If you want to help, ask me how.

If you've got questions, just let me know. You can contact me at forgrievinghearts@hotmail.ca

Katie

A post from my grief blog...

For those who may be interested in reading it, I posted tonight on my first trip back to Sick Kids Hospital since Everett died, you can read it here.

Katie

This is my son....

And so is this...


And this...


And this...


And this...

And this...


And this...




And also this...

First he was a baby, warm and sweet and new and wonderful...

Then he was a sick baby, warm and sweet and new, and sad and worrisome and wonderful...

Then he was a very sick baby, sweet, new, wonderful, and wilting...

Then he was a dying baby, wonderful, sad, sweet, leaving...

Then he was gone.

Then he was a wooden chest.

Then he was a bracelet with his name on it.

Then he was a cast of our hands, and of his foot.

Then he was a tattoo.

Then he was a picture on our wall, an ornament on our tree.

Then he was a star in the sky, and a prayer for peace.

Then he was a precious memory.

He remains my son, my baby, wonderful.

This is how it is for us, and for so many parents who thought they were bringing a baby home, and instead they have things. These things, a collection of random items, that bear their baby's image, name or footprints, or these things their baby slept with, touched, or wore, they take on a life of their own when the baby is gone and they are all that remain. They become a million times more important than any other hat or blanket or picture. They become priceless representations of a child they wanted so dearly but can no longer see or hold or touch. These things, they stand in for the baby when grief grips those parents so hard they need something to turn to, something to look at, hold, or touch. These things are irreplacable and invaluable to the grief process, as well as the healing process.

And my goal now, is to give parents momentos, things, gifts, to have and to hold when their arms are calling for their baby, or babies, and they need something to show for the love that they have and the loss that they feel. A picture frame, a footprint, a picture, a stuffed toy, a knit hat, a soft blanket, all so precious because they belonged to their baby, if only for a moment.

Katie

My Cherry Tree Anaology....

Here is another repost for you all to read, from my grief blog, because I like re-reading it, it brings me comfort, and maybe it will comfort you as well:

My Cherry Tree

There's a tree in my front yard, that is so amazingly beautiful, I think I would have bought my house based on that tree alone. I've been waiting and waiting for this tree to finally bloom, spring has come to all the rest but our tree has been holding out. But in the last few days, it finally has come to life and its amazing. At this moment, as I type, I keep looking over my shoulder out the window to admire the cloud of deep pink flowers it has become. It smells great too, the breeze keeps carrying in wafts of its gorgeous flowery smell to me, I love this tree, a lot. But, its a cherry tree, and like all cherry trees, this period of incredibly beauty is very brief. Soon, the flowers will wilt and the petals will fall to the ground and the for the rest of the year my amazing tree is just a tree, with dark leaves and kinky, winding branches. It buds, it flowers, it becomes captivating and beautiful, then its beauty fades away. Such is life right? Precisely.

My cherry tree inspired me when it came time to get a tattoo to memorialize Everett. We had felt very strongly that getting tattoos for him was something we needed to do, to make him present always, and to keep him and his precious little life always in the front of our memories. But, how would we personalize these tattoos, to make them really relevant and convey just how much Everett touched us, and who he was. We decided on getting his foot prints, and as I designed my tattoo, I chose have his feet being showered in falling cherry blossoms. Very fitting I think. Cherry blossoms remind us of the fragility and transience of life. Everett's life is a perfect example of this. He was born, he was beautiful and breath taking and then he was gone. His life was like a cherry blossom, amazing, awe inspiring, and painfully short.

Here's my tattoo, little life sized feet, and gently falling cherry blossoms and petals. Picture them falling from the tree to the ground, their brief time to shine is over, but everyone always remembers how beautiful cherry blossoms are. People are drawn to them, they visit orchards filled with flowering cherry trees, artists paint them, photographers take pictures of them, tattoo artists have tattooed many with their small and lovely flowers. It would appear that cherry blossoms are universally beautiful and widely loved. So, I don't mind likening my baby to them one bit.


Here are some pictures I took of my tree yesterday. I took dozens, up close, far away, any way you look at it, they're just plain beautiful. I may frame one or two of these to hang on a wall. Maybe they'll keep us mindful that life is short and sweet, its beautiful while we have it, but soon enough, its gone (like anyone living in MY house needs reminding of how fleeting life is).




Also, maybe they can remind us of something else, about seasons of life. Sure, cherry blossoms wilt and die and fall to the ground, the tree becomes plain and average, and in the winter its darn right ugly with sharp black branches in awkward angles, but, spring comes again. After the harsh winter passes, spring brings buds back to this tree, and before we know it, its full of amazing blooms, thick and clustered and plentiful. Just like my gorgeous cherry tree, life has seasons of ugly and average, of discontent and pain, but, sure enough, spring comes again and beauty fills our lives, happiness, joy and contentment come back around. Life cycles through these seasons over and over, some are longer then others, some shorter, but we can always rest assured that winters of grief and discontent will be replaced with springtimes full of blessings and joy, we just need to be patient and wait.

Katie

My Ministry?

I posted this blog entry on my grief blog, which you are welcome to read, on November 23rd 2009, and I think it has some relevance now, to this mission of ours and why we need to do it. Here it is, thanks for reading:

Seeking answers.....

The instant Everett died, and we held him in our arms, and marveled over his beautiful face and his incredible fight, we wondered why.

Why?

What sort of world do we live in, where seemingly perfect new born babies die from hidden birth defects? What sort of God allows such suffering and heart break? We wondered this intensely then. And when wondering and searching brought forth no answers, we were frustrated, and angry, and turned our backs on God, who we imagined could not, or would not help us and our baby.

When our grief lessened in intensity and our anger waned, a tiny opening was made for Christs love and His peace to enter our lives. And we were immediately comforted. Life was never been the same. We have been changed and for the better and we see our loss and our grief with new eyes.

At the time, we felt abandoned by God. We had made it up in our minds that God had either decided against helping Everett, or that he couldn't help him, and we were lost and angry and in the midst of despair so deep we couldn't see clearly.

And then one day it cleared. And, I can only speak for myself, but I felt driven to find our more about God and His love and comfort and mercy. And as soon as I was receptive to it, I had it. Comfort after months of agony.

We found a great church with a fabulous community and jumped in with both feet and open hearts and the blessings just kept coming.

The pain is still there, and it flares up from time to time, especially at this time of year, but His comfort quickly follows. Because we know this:

Lamentations 3:31-33

31 For men are not cast off
by the Lord forever.

32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.

33 For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to the children of men.

He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.

He didn't do it.

He didn't want it.

He didn't allow it.

It happened.

And though we won't ever really and truly understand why, the Bible offers up this explanation...

John 9:2-3
2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.

THIS happened, so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.

In Everett's life.

Everett was born with a heart so afflicted it could not be healed by all of our amazing technology, so that God's work could be displayed through his life.

He died so that the good of God could be demonstrated through his life.

Everett's 20 day life, and our heart break, happened so that something God could be done or achieved in God's name.

So, does this then mean that grief is to be my ministry?

I'm living in a perpetual state of grief over Everett and what should have been. It waxes and wanes but the pain is always there. And it happened to him, and to us, so that we could demonstrate God's good works through our experience? If this is true, which I don't doubt it is, then I have a job to do. Everett has done all he can and the rest is up to us. To show the world that it has worked for our good, that comfort came with the pain and that good has followed the bad, and the God has been at work in this.

An interesting ministry indeed.

Katie

Our Wish List

As promised, here is the list of items that we will be collecting, on a continuous basis, to put in our NICU baby/family gift bags. This list has been inspired by another group who make and distribute very similar bags, they have touched so many hearts with their efforts and we hope to do the same!

If you wish to donate the following to us, at any time, we would be so happy to have them!

Wish List

Blankets

Disposable Cameras

Picture Frames

Stuffed Animals

Birth Record Pillows

Baby Brush/Comb sets

Baby Hats

Baby Booties

Scratch Mittens

Baby Eye Masks

Children's Books

Hand/Foot Mold kit

Tissue Packs

Journals / Notebooks

Pens

Puzzle Books (Crossword, Word Search, Sudoku)

Baby Lotion

Lip Balm

Hand Sanitizer/Hand Lotion

Gift Cards (Tim Hortons, Loblaws, Zehrs)

Travel Size Toiletries

(Deodorant, Shampoo, Conditioner, Toothbrush, Toothpaste)

Photo Boxes (for Memory Boxes)

Feel free to email me at forgrievinghearts@hotmail.ca for information on how you make make your contribution.

Katie

A brief introduction...

In order for you to better understand this new venture, and what we (my husband Elvis and I) are trying to do, you need to understand who we are and what we have experienced.

My name is Katie, and I met my husband Elvis is nursing school in 2002. We dated through college and married in August of 2004. In late 2005 we had our first child, our amazing daughter Avery, who is nearly six now, time flies by so fast! We decided to try again in early 2007 and were quickly blessed with twins!! We were shocked, but overjoyed and began aquiring two of everything! Our identical twin boys were born healthy though six weeks premature. They were on ventilators for a few days, but both babies, Everett and Landon, quickly improved and were making great daily strides. At a few days old, Everett however began to show signs of not being as well as he originally seemed. While Landon continued to thrive and improve, Everett experieced a change in color, rapid breathing and a general appearance of not feeling very well. The lead pediatrician listened to his heart and quickly detected a murmur and a VSD. The term VSD was new to us, I made a note in my head, went home and googled it, and was so terrified to read it meant he had a hole in his heart. No one was too terribly alarmed just yet, the plan was to get him an echocardiogram when the Dr. who does those came to our town next, which would be the following month. But Everett could not wait. When they were six days old, Everett did what could only be described as "crashing", he bottomed out before our eyes, his body changed color from the waist down, his breathing was quick and shallow, and he was in incredible distress. The on call Dr. made the tentative diagnosis of coarctation of the aorta and a helicopter transfer was arranged immediately to take him to Sick Kids (Hospital for Sick Children) in Toronto. We were beside ourselves with fear and called our families frantically, for support, and our own ride to Toronto to be with him. We left Avery with my parents, Landon in the hands of the NICU staff and went to be with our very sick baby.

He spent two weeks at Sick Kids, and in that time he recieved the diagnosis of aortic atresia with multiple ASD's and VSD's. He underwent so many procedures, two open heart surgeries, cardiac catheterizations, PICC lines, IV's and peritoneal dialysis. His chest remained open after the first surgery, we never saw it closed again, and he was on ECMO for most of his stay. His tiny body was put through so very much, and each and every day we waited to see signs of it springing back to function, but after a routine head ultrasound revealed a significant brain bleed, a side effect of the heparin used in the EMCO circuit, we had run out of time to wait. The ECMO needed to be stopped, though it was ciculating and oxygenating his blood, it was also causing damage, one toe had already turned black from poor circulation, and then the brian bleed, which in itself was life threatening. The decision was made by the team of Dr's caring for Everett, that a one way trial off ECMO was needed, this meant that the ECMO would be removed and they would watch (and we would pray) that Everett's heart and lungs had healed and improved enough to return to function on their own, but that if they did not, we could not go back. We knew, in our hearts we knew, that this was the day we would be saying goodbye to him. We called our families, frantically, and all that could come to be with us came and waited. We held our breaths at his bedside as the EMCO was stopped, and watched with breaking hearts as Everett's heart rate and blood pressure dropped without the machine's assistance. They tried hard to disconnect him and wrap him for us before his heart quit all together, but they were too late, and by the time they placed him in our arms, he was already gone. After hours of sitting with him and holding him, the first time in nearly 2 weeks, we left with empty arms and shattered hearts.

The next day we took Landon from from the hospital and began this new life, with a twinless twin and a confused big sister and a nursery with too much stuff. We struggled to make sense of our loss, experienced a crisis of faith, found it again, and started trying to find ways to do good and honorable things in Everett's name, to do the good that he never would have the chance to do. Fundraising and charitable giving have become the calling card we leave for him. His name and his experience have helped us to do so much good for others.

Until now, we knew we wanted to do something good in his name, but our efforts have been unfocused, raising money for both our local hospital as well as Sick Kids, but now we have found or focus and we're eager to get started. Another mother who also lost a twin son has been creating bags for NICU parents, filled with essentials for parents of NICU babies, but also filled with items that would become valuable momentos should their baby not go home with them in the end. This resonnates with me, deeply, and we have decided to follow in her footsteps.

What I would like to accomplish in this new venture, is to create, on a constistant basis, bags that NICU staff can distribute to parents of babies who have passed away in the NICU. These bags would contain valuable momentos and keepsakes that will become part of the collection of items that represent their baby for them in their homes. We have a trunk. That trunk IS Everett, it is filled with a collection of items that are now no longer just things, but HIM. His hat, his blanket, his bracelets, his toy sheep, and all kinds of cards and letters and gifts we've been sent over the years. These things are very important to us and our healing process, they are something to hold, and something to come to when thoughts of him overwhelm our hearts and minds. Our goal would be to make sure parents in the NICU recieve these bags when their child's prognosis is poor, so that they can begin to associate these items as belonging to their baby. Put the hat on their head, it's theirs. Tuck the blanket around them, it's theirs. The stuffed toy stands vigil by their bedside, it's theirs. They touch the baby, they are in pictures with the baby, and when the baby has gone, and only heartache remains, these items represent the baby. This sounds incredibly morbid perhaps, but I know from experience, this can be very true, and very helpful.


This picture hangs in our living room. It represents him in our daily lives. I have that hat still, he wore it when he died, it's in a ziploc bag, trying to hold onto the last scent of him, though it's long gone. I have that blanket too. It touched him, it kept him warm and cozy, it represented us for him when we were not there, and now it is him for us now that he is gone. So, our goal, is to give parents meaningful items that will become invaluable keepsakes for them. I know Sick Kids has a program in place to give parents very precious gifts to go home with. They make prints of Everett's hands and feet, they made a 3D cast of his foot for us, and of our hands and his intertwined, they are priceless gifts. Our goal is to help smaller hospitals do the same, providing these bags to them to give out when the time is right. And this is where you come in.

We need help and support of others, through donation of money, or items of need, which we will list for you shortly. In the past we have done short term fundraisers, where we host an event, collect donations and then direct the donation to the hospital (local or Sick Kids) in Everett's honor, and this has worked well, but now we'd like to start this new, and ongoing venture. We hope to be able to give these bags to hospitals in our area on a continous basis, as sadly, parents say goodbye to their babies on a continous basis too. We have set up this blog, a Facebook page, an email account and paypal account for this cause. You can ask questions, get involved, and make donations to help make this cause successful.

E-mail: forgrievinghearts@hotmail.ca
Paypal: forgrievinghearts@hotmail.ca

So that is us in a nutshell! Myself, Elvis, Avery and Landon, and brand new baby Stella are all living mostly happy and healthy lives now, but Everett is always on our minds and in our hearts, and his memory and our loss drives us. We are driven to help soften, to what small degree we can, the loss of a child for other parents. We want to use our experience to help make the experiences of newly grieving parents a little easier if possible. It's a big undertaking, and I know at times it will be hard, but we'll do it for Everett and ultimately it will do so much good, we hope you'll help us!

The Peca Family!

Welcome!

Welcome to our new blog, and our new fund raising endeavor, in memory of our son Everett.

Many of you will already know Everett's story, but for those of you who don't, I will post seperately and introduce him to you shortly.

We have decided to funnel our grief, and our efforts, into something productive, and have come up with a way to do so that helps us heal, and hopefully will have a little healing effect on the grieving hearts of parents who have experienced the loss of a child themselves. This will be an ongoing effort, something which we hope to maintain with the help and support of others who are touched by our cause!

We'll keep you posted here, on what we're planing, doing and hoping to do for grieving families, with your help!

Stay tuned!

Elvis and Katie Peca